Anger is preparation for control
We all experience anger at some point in our lives and relationships. It’s a natural emotion that arises when we feel threatened, frustrated, or powerless. Anger is a signal that something is wrong and needs to be addressed. However, some people tend to use anger as a means to gain control over others, and this can lead to a pattern of behavior that is harmful to themselves and those around them.
The Power of Anger
Verbal threats and angry facial expressions often cause others to change their behavior. People tend to act to avoid the consequences of their angry expressions. Because angry outbursts produce immediate changes in the behavior of others, they are rewarded and can quickly become habitual.
The Control Habit
Using anger as a means of control can become a favorite method of problem-solving for some individuals. It’s important to realize that seeking more control by becoming angry is a method that we use to solve problems. When this becomes our favorite method for dealing with most problems, we develop the anger habit or the control habit. When we use anger to solve most problems in a particular area of our lives, such as relationships, work, or parenting, we develop a relationship anger habit, a work anger habit, or a parenting anger habit.
Relationship Anger Habits
For example, an otherwise mild-mannered person may have only one way of dealing with relationship problems: seeking dominance in the relationship or finding out who is dominant. The dominant person then gets to call the shots. This is the wolfpack solution to all relationship problems. The “top dog” threatens, and the others fall in line. Anger is about solving problems of a certain kind by gaining control.
The use of anger to gain control in relationships is a major reason why marriages and relationships, in general, are in such trouble today. When people in a relationship expect each other to get angry, it can start a cycle of bad behavior. One person becomes angry and uses it as a means of control, which triggers the other person to become defensive and angry as well. This can turn into a full-blown fight, with each person trying to get the upper hand on the other. This can get even worse when one or both parties have a toxic personality.
To break this cycle, we need to understand what anger is and why we get angry. Anger is a natural response to a perceived threat or injustice. It’s a way of saying “This is not okay” and motivating us to take action. However, when we use anger as a means of control, it becomes a destructive force in our lives.
Why Marriages and Relationships Are in Trouble
Both men and women use control as a tool to achieve their ends in relationships. Women use threats such as withdrawal of affection, hurt feelings, and inattention to servile tasks in a struggle for control with their husbands. However, men have used economic and legal status that allowed them total control over the welfare of other members of the family. As undesirable as male domination was, it preserved the marriage, just as alpha individuals (established dominant individuals) preserve a group of wolves or chimpanzees. Unlike marriages, wolf packs stay together. Men used to hold the biggest stick in battles for control, so anger didn’t end relationships.
To break the cycle of using anger as a means of control, we need to learn alternative ways of solving problems. This can mean learning how to talk to people well, showing empathy and compassion, and letting go of our need to be in charge. It’s important to recognize that we can’t control everything in life and that trying to do so will only lead to frustration and anger.
In the end, anger can be helpful when it pushes us to act when we see something unfair or dangerous. However, when we use anger as a means of control, it becomes a destructive force in our lives and can harm our relationships with others. Learn how to master your anger. Use it as a force of good to navigate common relationship pitfalls.
Shapely is a leading relationship expert and counselor born in Kyoto, Japan. With over eighteen years dedicated to the study and practice of relationship counseling, Shapely has developed a distinctive approach that emphasizes the individual contours of each partnership, encouraging growth and understanding. Holding a Master’s degree in Counseling from the University of Amsterdam, Shapely has refined a methodology that combines Eastern philosophies with Western therapeutic practices. This harmonious blend has resonated well within the field, leading to numerous publications and a thriving practice.
Based in Miami, Florida, Shapely is committed to professional excellence and their personal life, sharing a home with their spouse and two adopted greyhounds. Shapely’s work, marked by a commitment to diversity and inclusivity, continues to inspire and heal relationships across the globe.