Boundaries in Dating: An In-depth Look at Common Pitfalls

Boundaries in dating

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Shanice, her boyfriend Jake, and her best friend Sonia went to lunch. Shanice cared about him and wanted to start a family with him. Jake was a great guy. But despite all of his good qualities, he wasn’t ready to fully commit. Shanice and Jake had a lot of fun together, but whenever Shanice brought up the idea of a serious relationship, Jake would either make jokes or avoid the subject altogether. At age 33, Jake was happy being on his own and didn’t see any reason to change his life.

 

Shanice was annoyed that she and Jake seemed to be going in different directions. She ached from the pain of love that wasn’t returned and was sad because she had put a lot of time, effort, and emotion into the relationship. Since last year, Shanice has been putting a lot of emotional weight on Jake.

To get Jake’s full attention, she stopped doing the things she used to enjoy and moved away from the people she used to care about. She even tried to change herself to be more like what he wanted. But nothing worked.

Dating Requires Maturity

Dating Requires MaturityYou have to be an adult to date.

If you’ve ever been in a relationship like Shanice and Jake, you might know how they feel. When two people really like each other, they might start dating. They hope it will lead to something permanent, like marriage, and that the other person will be their soul mate for life. Things look good for a while, but then they fall apart, leaving one or both people feeling sad, angry, and alone. This pattern often happens again and again in different relationships.

But some risks come with dating. For starters, it calls for maturity. This doesn’t mean that teens shouldn’t date at all, but it does show how important each person’s level of maturity is. At first, dating is about getting to know each other and is low-commitment, so if things don’t work out, neither person feels like they have to explain why. Putting a lot of your heart and soul into a relationship is a risky thing to do. So, the best relationship is between two adults. Personal freedom and responsibility don’t always get along.

Boundaries in dating

Understanding Oneself and Others

Many of the problems in romantic relationships can be traced back to a lack of trust or a misunderstanding of who each person is. When we talk about freedom, we mean the ability to act based on your values instead of being driven by guilt or fear.

When we talk about responsibility, we mean being able to do what you’re supposed to do so that the partnership stays happy and healthy, as well as being able to say no to responsibilities that aren’t yours.

People who are honest and do the right thing do their share of the work in a relationship, but they don’t put up with abuse or bad behavior from their partner. Love should be the goal of a date. One way people try to do this is through dating. People who find real love and let it grow often promise to be together for the rest of their lives.

Creating a Healthy Environment

Creating a Healthy EnvironmentFor love to grow, dating needs both freedom and responsibility. When two people make a commitment to each other but also give each other space, they create an environment where love can grow. Couples can love, trust, get to know each other better, and learn more about each other when they have the freedom and duty to do so.

Both of these things are important to the health of any relationship, not just romantic ones. Healthy marriages, friendships, parenting, and work relationships all need space and the chance for each person to decide what to do. God made love so that those who are in it don’t have to be afraid of losing their independence because perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18). As Christians, it’s our job to keep love alive by facing problems head-on (Ephesians 4:15).

We think it’s important to set reasonable limits in romantic relationships if you want to keep your independence, take responsibility for your actions, and keep the relationship going. Setting and keeping healthy boundaries can do wonders for any relationship, whether it’s good or bad. So, let’s take a quick look at what boundaries are and how they work in dating before we look at how disagreements about freedom and responsibility can cause problems in dating.

What Boundaries Mean

What Boundaries Really MeanYou might not be familiar with the word “boundary.” Some people might think of a wall, as an obstacle to getting close, or even egotism when you say the word “boundary.” But in real life, this is not true, especially when it comes to dating. Boundaries are one of the best ways to teach love, responsibility, and freedom, but only if you understand what they’re for. Let’s talk about what a border is, what it does, and what it looks like.

Personal Boundaries

A line that divides property is called a border. In the same way that a fence separates your property from your neighbor’s, a personal boundary tells people who can and who can’t get to your feelings. In other words, you don’t know how much you can do. But once you cross it, you can’t miss it. When someone else tries to control you, gets too close to you, or asks you to do something that goes against your morals or values, it’s normal to feel like protesting. Your private space has been broken into.

Why it’s Important to Have Boundaries

Why it's Important to have BoundariesBoundaries are there for two main reasons. First of all, they make us who we are. Limits help us figure out who we are, where we agree and disagree, and what we like and don’t like.

When you know who you are, it’s easier to go on dates. Figuring out your morals, values, and preferences can help you stay out of a lot of trouble. A woman might tell the man she’s dating that she wants him to be serious about his personal growth because she takes herself seriously. This important part of who she is is out in the open for him to see, so he can learn more about who she is.

The second thing that boundaries do is keep us safe. Good things can stay inside, but bad things must stay outside. Without boundaries, it’s easier to let in people and things that are bad for you. Careful people know about possible dangers and take steps to avoid them. Men and women who are getting close emotionally may want to set rules about dating other people for the sake of their growing relationship. Boundaries keep you safe from harm by telling others what they can and can’t do to you.

Defining Boundaries

Defining BoundariesIt’s okay, to be honest with your date about how you feel: “I am sensitive, and I wanted you to know that so we can be aware that I might get hurt easily.” But sometimes you need to put up walls to keep yourself or your relationship from getting hurt.

When you’re dating, the only thing you own is you. God gave you a life to care for and grow so you can become the person he wanted you to be, but that life has limits. Here are some things about yourself that limit help define and protect.

You have control over your love. This means you need to own your feelings and not let someone else control you

You are in control of your values. This defines how you act in your dating relationship. You also have control over your attitudes, which are how you feel about yourself and your date.

When it comes to boundaries, you are in charge of everything that happens inside your borders. When someone else tells you what to think or how to feel, that person is not the problem. You are.

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